Read the first chapter (prologue) of my soon-to-be-published work ‘night star’. Excited to see where this story goes? Subscribe to my newsletter at the bottom of the page!
the early evening of a soft autumn day, 2005
The skies should be clear. Like a soul should be free. Like I should be free. But the sky is clouded, and dark. And so am I. Bound to these stupid walls I had built, even while those walls were crumbling down. Sam knew my walls inside out, maybe even better than I did. I loved him. And I missed him. So, so much.
The house still looked the same. I couldn’t enter through the front door, but I knew where the key was to go around back. With the same heavy heart, but in my normal clothes now, I approached the bushes and tried my best to make no sound. I shook off some leaves when I stood up straight. The outside light, usually illuminating the back door, was off. That’s odd.
The key was still under the loose stone in the wall. Some things never changed – I wished they would, sometimes. I couldn’t get the key in the hole.
“Fucking key, get in there.”
I succeeded and went inside. I quietly closed the door behind me and listened to the house.
It was silent. It was way too silent. Like when I used to get home, and I would feel that this silence only meant pain.
Pain and destruction.
“Sam…?”
Nothing.
“Well, shit.”
I went into the kitchen and sank down on a chair. How I hated these chairs when Sam brought them home. But I loved them now. That weird, stained, purple but faded cushions on those black-painted wooden legs. How many talks we had here about starting a family, about him convincing me, him loving me, him nourishing me. About us being us, and us being more than us two.
Why did I do what I did? Why is my mind so chaotic and at war? Why does nothing Sam or the children say make sense to me? I should have called for help when I had the chance. But now it’s too late.
Suddenly, it hit me. Sam could never love me again. Not like we did before. Not with what I did.
“No.”
But Sam believed in second chances. That’s why he made that deal with me.“Yes… maybe.”
I sighed and continued to sit in this dark, quiet kitchen.
That changed quickly.
I heard keys jingle, then noises at the front door. The door opened. Far away, a woman yelled something.
“Are you sure you are going to be okay?”
A young voice answered the call.
“We’ll be alright Mom!”
And another young voice yelled too.
“Bye Aaron’s Mom! See you!”
A car honked outside and drove away.
The front door closed.
The two young voices remained inside. They were giggling.
“Come on Aaron, let’s hang our coats at the rack. We can watch the movie!”
I stood up. The voice suddenly stopped talking.
The light was on in the hallway. Two young boys stood in the middle, looking at me in amazement. Seeing me did not do much good, I guess.
“Mom…? What are you doing here…?” said one boy. He looked so much like Sam… but I didn’t know him.
“Mom? I am not your mom. I am looking for Sam.”
The two boys kept standing in front of the coat rack.
“No… he’s out tonight. He’ll be back soon”, the blonde boy said.
“Hmm.”
I looked around the hallway.
Quite fucking typical, this situation.
“What were you going to do?”
I looked down at him.
“What?”
The boy looked down.
“What were you going to do if Papa was here?”
Ugh. Why would Luke say that word? He was my son, he had to know. That I hated the way the kids called Sam Papa the Dutch way. Because it made him feel more special. Like he was a better parent than me, deserving a special word for father or something.
“I just want to talk to him.”
Tick. Tick tick. It started raining. How convenient.
“Talk about what?” asked Luke.
“Why all the bloody questions? I just want to talk to him. Well, it’s just… he doesn’t want to listen. Nobody ever listens!”
I turned around and went into the kitchen.
I felt it coming. My heart was racing, head pounding, sweat forming.
No, no, no, no, no.
“I need a drink.”
I opened all the cupboards until I found what I was looking for: a large bottle of whisky.
“Perfect.”
Just the poison I needed to ease my mind.
I had put the bottle down on the counter, when suddenly, a weird high-pitched sound echoed in the hallway.
Alarm.
“What was that?! What did you do?!”
I heard his voice, but I didn’t understand what he was saying.
“What was that sound?!”
“It was Luke’s phone, Mrs Thompson”, the other boy said.
“Show me.”
Luke took something out of his pocket and gave it to me.
The phone said:
I will feed Aaron’s turtles, love, papa.
What… this didn’t make any sense at all!
“We’ve had them for a week now… that’s why I forgot to feed them; I think…”“Shut up!”
Wait… did I just throw the phone on the floor?
I don’t know. My focus shifted back to the two boys in front of me… to the blonde boy…my boy… Luke? Who was on the floor?
“Hey, what happened?”He looked me in the eyes, hurt all over his face.
“Mom…?”
“What?!”
The boy that was sat down next to him stood up and faced me.
“You hit him.”
I took a step back. Oh my god, no… This can’t be happening. Shit. Fuck!
Wait…. Wait.
“Are you lying to me, boy?”
“No, I’m not! You hit him!”
“Don’t test me!”
“I’m not I swear I-”
He was lying. Like they all did.
He wasn’t listening. Like they all wouldn’t.
They were just out to get me, to play with my mind.
Yes, that’s it. I couldn’t hit a young boy, could I?
I would remember it then, wouldn’t I?
“Liar!”
I hit him. He fell to the ground, like a coward. He covered his face with his hand.
“You should never have come into my house. What do you think you are doing here, huh?”
I needed another drink.
Whisky burned, but it felt so good. Made my troubles go away. Made the pounding head disappear. Made me able to breathe again.
“Andrea?”
I looked up. There was nobody here.
“Andrea!”
It was Sam. He was sitting on the purple chair I sat on just a moment ago.
Something’s off.
“Hey, just come sit down with me.”
I shook my head.
“Ease your mind, love. Come sit with me.”
Reluctantly, I sat down.
“We need to have this talk.”
I saw Sam speak, I saw his lips move and his eyes looked at me. But they looked through me.
Even though I couldn’t hear him, I knew exactly what he was saying. It was that one conversation – the conversation that changed everything.
But then, his emotions changed, and he became so unlike himself. This is not how I remembered it.
“We can’t go on like this”, Sam said.
But he was supposed to say it lovingly, full of hope despite it all, taking my hand and looking in my eyes and reassuring me that through our tears and through this pain, we would be alright.
But his voice wasn’t filled with love. His eyes weren’t full of hope. They were full of hate. And as these thoughts reached my senses, my mind grew darker.
This can’t be right.
“Andrea!”
Another voice.
I turned around.
“Dad…?” I said, trembling.
“You deserved this!”
He whipped his belt through the air, and it landed on the floor.
“Dad, no! I didn’t do anything!”
But I did do something. Didn’t I?
“Get out of my fucking head!”
Silence. Silence filled the house again. Sam was gone. My dad was gone. Just one person remained, standing in the door arch to the hallway.
“Mrs Thompson, are you alright?”
“Don’t bother.”
I looked at the person. It was a boy. I don’t think I have seen him before.
“Who are you anyway? What the fuck are you doing here?”
“I am Aaron, ma’am, I am Luke’s friend.”
It can’t be. I had never seen this kid before. Was it even a kid? Or was this person just pretending to be a kid? He was lying, that’s for sure. Like they all were. Like they always had been.
“And where the fuck is Luke then?”
The boy/person/Aaron didn’t answer.
Wait…
“Why are you in my house without Luke? Where the fuck is he?”
“He… to get help… I swear! Please…”
My head grew dizzy. I saw different things in the hallway. The coat rack, with the familiar colours and familiar smell… it disgusted me. The just newly painted stairs, with the weird hanging lights to ‘guide our way’ up or down… Well, definitely fucking down for me.
I fucking hated this place.
Did I see Luke? It can’t be.
What was I even still doing here?
A knock on the door. Suddenly I found myself with a knife in my hand and the whisky bottle smashed somewhere on the floor.
The kid/person was standing in front of me, and I held him tight.
“Open the door! But no games!”
The door opened. I couldn’t recall it raining, but the police officer was soaking wet.
I might have seen him before.
He said some things… I didn’t quite make out what he was saying.
But suddenly, it hit.
“This child cannot be a part of your mess, Andrea. They have nothing to do with this, with your past, with your pain.”
“I know”, I said. “I know, bloody hell, I know. I fucked up…”
“Then let the kid go, Andrea. It’s the least you can do now.”
Perhaps it was. Or perhaps it was just another thing to add to a list of failures.“Do you think I can fix it? My life?”
The cop sighed. “Andrea… It’s a mess right now, but everybody deserves a second chance. You know that Sam knows that too.”
Yes… Sam. He’d still care for me, right? Otherwise, he wouldn’t have made that deal, say that he still loved me. That he wanted me to get better. That we could fix it all.
I noticed the rain falling outside, as it had been all evening. I noticed the rumbling of the thunder, and the flashes far away. I felt the kid’s sobs… I slowly let him go.
“I’m really sorry kid… I am.”
The boy kept looking at his feet, but then slowly looked up and into my eyes.
I recognised the boy now. It was Aaron, Luke’s best friend.
He whispered: “Just get better, okay?”
I started crying and nodded.
Truth and life were so easy for these kids… I wished they were for me.
Boom!
Thunder rumbled, and the house shook, and we all moved.
It happened so fast…
“Oh my god…”
What I had done… even though I did not want it to happen…
The unthinkable happened: I had hurt the boy.
I slowly let go of the knife – but it stayed in his shoulder. I caught a glimpse of his face, eyes looking up into mine.
They would never forgive me now.
I started running, outside, into the garden, I needed to disappear!
But they started to yell at me, saying I had to turn around.
And I knew I needed to do as they said.
Their guns were pointed at me. And the looks on their faces…
Suddenly, only one of them remained visible.
And I was back in the desert.
The familiar breeze taunts my skin. I shrug and feel the familiar and protective touch of the uniform I am wearing, tactic gear and all. Then I notice my hand resting on my gun. An odd and terrifyingly recognisable substance runs over my hand, and as I look down, I see the blood still dripping down.
Sergeant McReary is sitting on his knees on the ground, clutching his hand on his belly, trying to keep as much of himself inside. He’s not doing a very good job.
I look at my hand again, then back at McReary. He signals to look behind me.
The masked man stands opposite me, his gun pointed at me. But I can see his eyes.
I can see the hurt, the pain, and the tears. I can see the fear and I can see through his façade.
But I know how to play this game. I need to.
I reach behind my back and get my other gun. I have to.
“Drop it, Andrea!”
The desert fades. McReary vanishes.
I notice the cold rain on my skin.
“Drop the fucking gun!”
I can see the police officers standing in front of me.
I can’t do this anymore. I need to disappear.
They are just cops… I don’t want them to walk around all their life with the guilt I have.
I raise the gun to my head. I hear screams.
I fire.
Darkness.
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